Ode to Celsius

By J.S.

Oh Celly, Oh Celly,

Where would I be without you? 

What would become of me if in my hour of need I did not have you to turn to?

Knowing your slim body is nestled in my backpack’s side netting,

I am emboldened to face any threat, challenge, or foe,

or the 10-page paper I forgot about, 

because another 10-page paper was due the same date.

Did I sleep last night? 

No matter.

Have I eaten today? 

What for?

Is it diet strawberry kiwi flavor?

So what? 

Only the faithless judge a Celsius by its flavor.

Celly comes in many forms, 

but contains the same milligrams of caffeine I purposely forget to disclose.

For what truly matters is what’s inside,

and it is magic for all we know, 

As no force could make me read that dissertation-ass text of ingredients. 

Oh Celly, oh Celly, 

Keep the due dates away 

This is what I say

as I sit down in Butler to type my essay away

10 pages in 6 hours? Even sober it’s viable!

With a Celly in hand? But a walk in the park! 

What have we been blessed with today? 

It’s fizzy peach and raspberry

Don’t mind if I do, oh Celly, oh Celly,

As the canister pops, a gush spurts in force all over my jorts

The rustle and tussle of the Morningside steps have turned my dear Celly into a Molotov,

The Gestapo on campus will surely take me away

Nor would I care, now that my Celly has surged

All over the main reading room, not but a third of it left. 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!! I yell

NOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT MY CELLY!!! I beg and I plead,

Distraught, I slurp on my knees as the undergrads sneer

Am I being punished, my dear Celly? 

Have I stretched my luck too thin?

What have I done to deserve such a fate?

Have I not honored your name as I get all my A’s? 

To you, I dedicate all accomplishments past and future

Before I knew the taste of coffee,

and after you are banned by RFK Jr.

You are my academic advisor, my tutor, my pastor 

Why, then, must you punish me?

Or, are you testing my faith?

Like the Maccabees’ oil, will a fraction suffice?

Oh Celly, oh Celly, 

Carry me gently through the night 

You and I, forever, 

Or until my due date at 11:59.