I Now Pronounce You Man and Lehman; You May Kiss the Library

I came to Columbia University with a heart full of hope, a head full of ambition, and eyes gleaming with optimism.

This was going to be my chance to kick my life into another gear; a chance to take one giant leap closer to realizing my big dreams.

The Big Apple, center of the world in so many ways, held so much potential for dreamers like me. I was excited to see what opportunities New York would have in store...

It was in the early days while exploring the Columbia campus that I saw her.

She was quite cute for a library. I did a double-take as I was passing by. She had a curious look about her; it was something between adorable and nerdy and sophisticated and intellectual. I've never had a thing for libraries before, but I admit...I was intrigued.

It started out innocently enough. A couple of reading assignments that I had just met urged me to go talk to her. So I did.

I was surprised at how easily we got along together. I had never spent more than a few days with a library before this in what had been a fiery fling during finals of my senior year in undergrad. But this was different. We genuinely gelled pretty well together.

Before I knew it, I was going every day to spend time with her. I introduced her early on to my assignment friends and they all really liked her. She was thrilled. We Netflix and chilled together between classes; "Bojack Horseman" became our show and we enjoyed it immensely. Bojack made her laugh and her laughter filled me with a joy that I had not experienced for many years in the grueling, lonely grind of professional life after college.

Things started to get serious quickly. Before I knew it, we began reading together...intimately. We read downstairs between the bookshelves; in the wheelie chairs at the round tables; on the downstairs couches; we even gave up all pretense at hiding our relationship and did it in the comfortable chairs right at the entrance in front of everyone.

We were in love and we were in heaven.

But, somewhere along the line, something changed...

She became quite demanding; my independence slowly began to slip away. 


I would go with friends to the bars at night or watch the soccer games on weekends and she would call me and be furious at me for not coming to spend time with her when I obviously had time to spare. The guilt ate away at me during all hours of the day. It was especially bad late at night as I tossed and turned in bed thinking of all the promises that I had made to her for the semester. I began to give up my social life to spend all my time with my darling library.

It has now been over a month and I don't know how I got here. My assignment friends really began to pile the pressure on me to commit to her. "You won't find anyone better than her," they keep saying. "Nothing out there matters anymore. You two are perfect for each other." Maybe they're right...

We spend so much time together that it just seems foolish not to make it official. After all, it would be a mountainous waste of tuition money not to get the most out of my relationship with her as I can. Basic cost-benefit analysis and rationalization theory make it obvious that marrying her is the practical thing to do.

Now, even though New York is just beyond those doors, it seems so far away; just beyond my reach. I fear I shall never get the chance to truly explore the Big Apple. I imagine that we'll be tying the knot together pretty soon; if not during the midterm season, then for sure during the finals season.

She's already started talking about how cute our children are going to be; adorable, little, four-eyed book worms with an insatiable appetite for reading. I can already picture them regurgitating Hobbes and Machiavelli into my face...ugh.

She wants to raise them according to the religious teachings of the Betts Bible. I've tried to argue that the teachings are too complicated and erratic to provide any sort of coherent belief system for young book worms to adhere to, but she's not having any of it. She wears the pants in this relationship.

I made the mistake of getting involved with my library and now my fate is sealed. 

If you have been flirting with the idea of swiping right to your library, let this tale be a warning to you...