The Ten Commandments for SIPA Men
(Photo/Baloo Cartoons)
By A Concerned Man
I am an international student. Back home, dating is not easy, but it is definitely easier than it is here. And no, I am not saying the women in my country are “easier.” The difference is simple. Men, on average, tend to be braver. Competition is fierce there.
But here, I have met a shocking number of men who have absolutely no idea how to behave around women. They exhibit not a vague confusion, not a mild awkwardness, but a deep, structural incompetence that feels almost policy relevant.
I am not a dating guru or a legendary flirt. I am simply stunned that so many grown men lack basic social skills.
So, consider this an act of solidarity with SIPA women and a desperate attempt to rescue whatever men in IAB still have a chance. Many do not. Many truly do deserve to die as virgins. But if even one of you manages to evolve after reading this, I will consider this article a small victory for our SIPA community.
(A quick disclaimer: everything I write applies to all types of relationships. I am focusing on heterosexual dating because most of the horror stories I hear come from straight women about straight men.)
Without further ado, here are the ten commandments for SIPA men.
Say hi, ask how someone is doing, hold the door, and be minimally human. The bar could not be lower. If you walk out of a classroom like a stampede of buffalo, please stop. I’ve been praised here for greeting people (!). That is not a compliment. That is a cry for help about the state of the male population at this school. And yes, your crush will absolutely remember that you let the door hit her face.
Stop talking only about yourself. If you somehow manage to get a date with an amazing SIPA woman (a miracle for many of you), please do not talk about yourself nonstop. Your internship is not as important as you think. Your family is not that fascinating. Your A in Quant is not life-changing. Instead, here are three simple steps:
Ask questions.
Actively listen.
Respond like a human being
The number of SIPA women who have told me it feels like I am flirting with them just because I ask questions is honestly worrying. I used to think I was being too invasive. Then I realized the truth. The men here never ask anything, they just talk about themselves, their assignments, and their tiny personal problems.
Do not ask “what’s your concentration?”. If this is part of your flirting toolkit, I regret to inform you that you have zero flirting points. Honestly, you should be banned from entering IAB and summarily removed from the program. If you think this is a good approach, nothing can be done.
If you can make her smile, you have already won half the battle. Talk like a real human being. Share something small or funny. Laugh. Make her laugh. Notice the little things she says and find joy in them. That will take you infinitely further than listing your accomplishments like you are reading aloud from your CV.
Have courage, bro. Analyzing the sheer fear debilitating SIPA men should be a behavioral science capstone. I know of many men who were interested in a woman for months and never approached her. Months. If you like someone, do something. Many of you dream of working in consulting or at a big bank but fall apart the moment you might have to confess your feelings. If you think McKinsey will spare your feelings or Goldman will treat you gently, I have news for you. The world is cruel. If you cannot handle rejection from someone you like, you will be destroyed in all arenas. A no will not kill you. Staying silent will kill any chance you ever had.
Do not take her to Shake Shack for your first date (or any date thereafter).The fact that I even need to write this is alarming. You do not need to book a Michelin restaurant; you just need to show an ounce of effort. Nobody wants a first date where your main romantic gesture is sharing greasy fries in public.
Make her feel special. Magic happens when your crush realizes you treat her differently from everyone else. If you can memorize Quant formulas, you can remember that she prefers matcha over coffee. Your problem is not memory, it’s ego.
Stop touching women without consent. This disturbs me the most. When I arrived here, I assumed that men at an Ivy League school would have the basic ability to understand boundaries. I was wrong. The number of stories I hear from SIPA women about men grabbing, touching, hugging, or invading personal space without consent is absolutely insane. At least one new story every week. This is not flirting. It is disgusting. Women talk; they know exactly who you are.
Do not wait thirty dates to make a move. If you have gone on three dates with someone, she has never cancelled, the conversations are great, and she looks at your eyes (and occasionally your lips) while you speak, the message is obvious. She is interested. You do not need to attack like a jungle predator. Just take initiative like a functional adult.
Do not build expectations. I’ve learned this one the hard way. Give your best, but be ready for the worst. Women are amazing, but are also unpredictable (sorry, ladies, this is the only timeI will say something negative, but you know I am right). Do your part, stay present, be honest, and let things unfold naturally. If it works out, great. If it does not, at least you kept your dignity, which already puts you ahead of most men at SIPA.
Finally, to the SIPA women who make this whole thing worthwhile: be bold. If you like someone, give the poor clown a little help. Half the men here are terrified of their own emotions and need divine intervention just to send a text. A bit of initiative from you will not hurt anyone. When a woman leads, it is refreshing, surprising, and genuinely attractive. I am not saying you should go out with any random guy…but once in a while, one of them is actually worth your time. Rare, yes, but real. If you like him, send the message.
I feel deeply sorry for the women of SIPA. They deserve admiration, flowers, therapy vouchers, and maybe hazard pay. I have very little confidence that SIPA men will significantly improve, but if even one of you reads this and decides to finally take action, I will consider this contribution to The Morningside Post a service to the community. Good luck, girls. You will need it.