The Morningside Problems

(Illustration/Joost Swarte/The New Yorker)

By The Morningside Post Editorial Board

Thank you, fellow Seeples, for trusting us with your most difficult problems. The Morningside Post is here to help with our best solutions.

Disclaimer: TMP is not responsible for whatever happens after you take our advice. But just give it a shot, and it might work out! Life’s about the journey, not the destination. 

I was approached by a Russian government recruiter with a job offer... they offered $120,000/year, a car, and a house in Moscow. What do I do?

First, please consider this offer in the appropriate context. $120,000 a year is approximately 9,605,839.20 rubles. The cost of living for a single person in Moscow is about $761.20 USD/month (60,939.2 rubles). Since you don’t have to pay rent, that puts you at only $9,134.40 USD/year (731,246.90 rubles) in expenses—you’d be living like a (pre-1917) Tsar!

Keep in mind that if you’re a U.S. citizen, the State Department has ranked Russia at Level 4: Do Not Travel, due to danger associated with the continuing war between Russia and Ukraine, risk of harassment or wrongful detention by Russian security officials, and the risk of terrorism, among other things. You can weigh these considerations against the fact that a dozen eggs cost only 138.05 rubles, which is just $1.72 USD. In this economy? A steal. 

Finally, consult SIPA’s career office, the CAC, to teach you negotiating techniques to ensure you get the most you can out of this generous offer (as well as guidance on AI and the job search). They should help you ask the hard questions, like “How will I successfully advocate for myself?” “Can I enter the U.S. again after this?” and “What are my chances of bagging a Slavic baddie?”

What’s your advice for Hillary after the Trump/Bubba reveal?

That’s a situation room if I’ve ever seen one. According to Epstein’s brother, Mark, “Bubba” did not actually refer to Bill Clinton. Whether this is true or not is yet to be confirmed, but the revelation provides an excellent example of how the media twists politically volatile narratives. Add it to the syllabus next year!

For those who have not been tracking the Epstein files, thousands of Epstein’s emails were released in mid-November. Included among them was a correspondence between Jeffrey Epstein and his brother, Mark, with a reference to “Trump blowing Bubba.” Apparently, Bubba is a nickname of Bill Clinton, husband of Hillary Clinton, a professor of International and Public Affairs at SIPA and the 67th Secretary of State.

Hot TA. what do I do next?

Well, here’s what not to do.

URGENT: What do I do with my friend who is too comfortable falling asleep on my couch? need tips

Snuggle up next to them. Either they’ll be uncomfortable or you’ll become lovers. We’d definitely recommend being the big spoon if you’re wanting to assert your dominance. But maybe the little spoon if you just want to be held. Sleep well, my fellow Seeples! 

I love the Responsible Tech Club’s TPI speed dating event— can we get all concentrations to do something similar?

Absolutely. Ideally the organizers even add some dimly lit candles and roses next time. 

Caution—we don’t advise this approach for all concentrations. Imagine trying to speak to an IFEP man for more than 2 minutes, or even worse, someone in ISD.

In the meantime, The Morningside Post is collaborating with the Responsible Tech Club to host a second social on December 4th. Register on Campus Groups, and we’ll be your personal matchmakers. 

where can a girl get sum around here

At the Responsible Tech Club’s TPI speed dating event. 

If that doesn’t work, maybe you’ll have better luck at CBS or Columbia Law. Dual enroll in a class next semester, queen. Sometimes you really can find love in a hopeless place.

I have zero idea what get my dad for Christmas -- I want something unique, useful, and appropriate. Help!

We recommend a nice pair of socks or a topical book. Or perhaps even a nice bottle of scotch, but given that you go to SIPA, he could probably afford a nicer one than whatever you’re planning to give him.

Or, if you’re trying to be creative…

Dads can get lonely after their kids are grown, but they also don’t like the nuisance of taking care of pets. The solution is obvious. Adopt a rhino for him. He’ll feel a sense of purpose without any of the responsibility.

How do I find a job?

All of us pitched in on this one.

“Good luck buddy 🫶.”

“Become a content creator: LinkedIn Shorts are the new frontier."

“Nepotism.” 

“Have you thought about law school?”